Nothing
requires more courage than spiritual growth. When
I was in the Special Forces (Green Berets) in Vietnam,
my missions were Top Secret (such as monitoring the
Ho Chi Min trail where it ran through Laos), I was
frequently in territory controlled by the Viet Cong
and the North Vietnamese Army, and my air support
was top priority (our government would have been embarrassed
if our team were captured in Laos). I thought that
these activities required ultimate courage, but they
did not.
As brave as I was (or acted), I did not realize that
being in the Special Forces, in Vietnam, and (clandestinely)
in Laos were all consequences of fear – my own.
My experiences in Southeast Asia and later at home
revealed to me far more about fear and courage than
I could have imagined. I thought that parachuting
with equipment on my back, repelling from helicopters,
and conducting night patrols in enemy territory required
maximal courage, but as frightening as these activities
were for me, they were not as challenging as experiencing
the fears that controlled most of my life, for example,
the fear of trying and failing, of not living up to
the expectations of others or myself, and of being
rejected.
My
life was painful, but I was only dimly aware of it.
Instead, I felt a magnetic attraction to the military,
and while I was in it I masked the pain of my fears
with pride in my uniform and mission. I identified
with being a soldier, and especially an elite one.
It momentarily anesthetized me but I remained angry
and frightened. Since I could not experience my fears,
I could not change them – the same fears that
enlisted me in the Army, volunteered me for Vietnam
service, and then for the most dangerous assignments.
I thought that I was living courageously when I was
in the military, but I later discovered that I was
using my courage to avoid very painful experiences
that we all share – the feelings of being inadequate,
ugly inside, defective, unlovable, and longing to
belong and not belonging. These are the experiences
of powerlessness.
The spiritual path requires the courage to become
aware of everything that you are feeling, including
your fears. This is challenging because fear hurts
– it hurts to be angry, jealous, to feel superior,
and to hate. In fact, these experiences, among others,
are ways that people avoid experiencing the pain of
powerlessness. Fear takes many forms, such as anger,
jealousy, vengefulness, righteousness, feeling superior
(as I did), and more. All of them are painful to experience
– but not as painful as the direct experience
of powerlessness – and all of them create consequences
that are painful to encounter. (The Heart of the
Soul: Emotional Awareness, co-authored by Linda
Francis, my spiritual partner, shows you how to experience
everything that you are feeling and how to use your
emotions to grow spiritually).
It
is as challenging for women as for men, for the elderly
as for the young, for the poor as for the wealthy,
to become aware of everything that you are feeling,
but if you do not have the courage to experience and
challenge your fears, you will remain frightened (angry,
jealous, resentful, etc.). In fact, you will die frightened.
Living courageously is not a macho, or boastful, way
of life. It is the only way to become humble, clear,
forgiving, and loving. These are the characteristics
of an authentically empowered personality, and only
the courageous can create them.
Love,
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